I admire people who blog regularly. People who record their weight loss or videos of their kids. I have neither of those things to post. And my life has been fairly boring since my last post. I teach, I read, in between I watch Doctor Who and daydream.
But today was a difficult day. And I found myself alone with my thoughts and I was in tears. The people around me wanted to help but it's difficult for them. And I didn't have the words. Today was hard. Today, I felt rejection and with that, I began questioning my worth.
As a single in the Mormon church you're constantly surrounded by the message to "get married!!!" When you're my age the message changes to "what's wrong with you? why aren't you married?". And I have always wanted a family. Lots of children. A fun, warm home, like I had. So, it's an old and painful wound, the fact that I don't have a family of my own.
Usually, I work my way day to day and ignore both questions. They are usually asked by people who were married very young and never experienced dating after college. They don't realize that at 38 you ask yourself "what's wrong with me?" every day, Every time your date doesn't call back. Every time you check your LDSSingles account. You ask those questions.
Today I was asking myself these questions more than usual because I really liked the guy who didn't call back. It's been three weeks and hope dies a slow painful death. You can't help but ask, why? What's wrong with me?
You start looking at your weight, the grey in your hair, the laughlines around your eyes, the sound of your voice, the sound of your laugh. You start second guessing every word you said. It's human nature I guess. We always think the fault lies in ourselves. I never once thought, what's wrong with him that he didn't see how fantastic I am? Isn't that a better question?
But, after a good cry and a long conversation with my Father in Heaven, I realized something. This is not how Heavenly Father wants me to live. Yes, families are important. Families are forever. But, I can't worry about that at the expense of my of self worth. I'm a good person who deserves good things. Being single in the LDS church can be painful. But you need to learn to celebrate the family you do have, your sisters and brothers and parents and cousins, rather than mourn the one you don't have. It's a matter of keeping the glass half full. More than half full because I have a fantastic and large and loving family.
So, I'm going to focus on the positive. Yes, I have grey in my hair. That's my cue to go a little more ginger. I have laugh lines and worry lines. I would be afraid of any teacher who didn't have them. I am a beautiful person. I may never marry but I refuse to let myself feel less than I am because of it.
I will remember who I am. I'm a child of God.
The question is, what's wrong with them?